June 18, 2017

Maybe the thing is that I always feel I have to compete with something (thankfully not someone) for your attention- phone, some email, etc. Perhaps I’m just not interesting enough.

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Quote

June 18, 2017

“No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice.”

I choose to work. I choose to love.

daily >3

June 17, 2017

  1. good week with g, albeit teary. his tiny gestures, like willingness to apologise, cutting me more of his fish cos i was still hungry, putting aside his shitty feelings to reassure me. fab korean soup and revisiting red lobster.
  2. things that seem to be working out and flowing into place
  3. refund for airbnb
  4. didnt spend all my usd

June 15, 2017

The fact is I don’t want you to work in us. Cos I’m gonna be in Singapore, it’s a pretty good job and I want you to be around. The fact is I’m selfish and I haven’t surrendered to the universe the fate of our relationship. It seems so much easier to surrender stuff like career, money. The fact is I’m not sure I have the patience Nor emotional energy to be supportive that you need. The fact is I think I’ve tried my part in maintaining a relationship to the kind of intimacy connectedness I think it should be at, but I’m not sure if you have the energy to do so. The fact is, I think we will drift apart. The fact is I’m scared but I can’t tell you. The fact is I don’t even want to go away but I have to. That’s facts from my world, I cannot change things no matter how hard I try. I have to learn patience and believe me I am trying.

June 6, 2017

today i felt an unusual bubble of joy as i was stretching out after dance. it was so quiet, yet so assured in its appearance. pure happiness.

May 19, 2017

i am ever so blessed. that i landed the job, got an offer higher that i wanted, in a bigger firm, in the industry i wanted to go back to.

i am really blessed. someone took over that dratted project last minute, i can leave a day earlier, i can fly off and see g soon.

i am extremely blessed. and very very grateful for all those blessings, every day, every moment.

May 12, 2017

My greatest fear I think is if you had someone else you felt more emotionally connected to than you were to me.

Physical betrayal is hard to deal with but I think the emotional one is harder to deal with. That you could trust someone and confide in them more. Sexting, texting, office bffs you name it. Sharing little secrets you’d find uncomfortable if your other half found out. Wanting to chat more with them than your other half.

So hard.

May 2, 2017

i will miss knowing the ins and outs so well

but i dont want to give a flying fuck about things anymore

april 2017

April 21, 2017

the craziest month of my life

1. Learnt 4 things

  • 3 legged dogs, or handsome weeds
  • painting
  • gardening
  • tahitian dance

2. collected keys

3. signed

April 18, 2017

i’m sorry for the meltdown today. i shld have known in my heart you wont be back next wk, though i prayed hard you would. its like 3mths of waiting, i hadnt dared to be excited that 26 april was approaching but when you said u werent coming back, it hit me alot harder than expected.

its so hard. so very hard. i hate LDR. i told you this right from the start. its unfortunate that i have more emotional needs than you do. its so hard, wanting to be supportive of what you are doing, and yet having to put up with the thing i dislike most – that distance we havent been able to close virtually. at least in malaysia the responses are alot faster. and we had skype dates alot more often. now, its like why bother asking or telling you something cos you either wont reply or by the time you reply, its too late.

should i just keep everything to myself? i feel time and again im a burden. because you need to deal with me and my needs, you cannot focus on job hunting. because you need to carve out time to connect with me, you get stressed because you could have spent that time learning something else, meeting someone else, doing something else useful.

i cant always get what i want. there is a lesson i need to learn. once i’ve learnt it, the pain will go away. ive spent the whole month in tears, either because of the job, or because i miss you terribly. i’m so tired of crying.

i’ve been very cool and independent the past months, but there’s so much upheaval this month i need more reassurance and love than usual. how empty and selfish of me to be so full of you.