March 20, 2017

i feel like i should write, but i dont have anything to write.

i dont wish to talk about how bad my day was, what evil thoughts run through my head, i dont want to unpack all the emotions even though i know i must, because.

i have many thoughts to let go off. i have many things i need to do. i do not want to do any of them.

i want to bury myself in bed, and hide it out. i want the bad to magically go away. i want to give in to darkness and his comforting cloak.


March 14, 2017

perhaps, one day, things will return to normal.

i dont need a mother, i dont. and why dont people get that you need many more positive experiences to get over a negative one?

positive doesnt mean pushing them to eat or drink foods they dont want to. positive means, well i dont know what positive means anymore.

these days i feel like i could be sinking into depression. i feel that familiar dark cloak, where i just cannot bear to even get out of bed.

i dont feel like going out, yet staying home feels unbearably worse. ‘stubborn’ ‘make me want to slap you’ – ok got it. some days i feel like taking more sleeping pills than prescribed. drift far away, dont need to face the world again. perhaps, that might solve everything.

when the doctor asked if i were depressed, it took all my strength not to let the tears out. depression is real. depression is scary, its tiring.

but its a good place to be. because darkness is comforting. its non confrontational. its silence is peaceful. with tears come relief, and with relief comes a semblance of false courage to see through the next day.

i know my natural reaction is to run, escape, hide. i like that because i hate confrontation, conflict, questioning.

i really just want to be left alone. my head hurts.

what lesson is this trying to teach me?



March 11, 2017

im at a point where the line between caring and not is so thin, so narrow. ive not been so unhappy at work, to the point where i just walked away.

excepy i cant because of the bonus. not like there is much. i need to coast by sufficiently and last til the month end. swallow pride, ignore nonsense, just dont give a fuck.worse case i just dont get any bonus.

i just am at a point where im too tired to even think about what im feeling and why. i just want to get out.

March 6, 2017

so i was hospitalised the wk before, for anaphylaxis. to mango i think.

i wasnt that scared, only when the doctor started to look worried and say i needed an adrenaline shot. probably that was when i realised the severity of the situation.

at the hospital, it was nice to have people look after you but i coudlnt help but feel nurses were more like hotel staff than medical staff? i felt bad that they had to make me milo, walk me to the washroom, and wait for me in case i fainted.

March 1, 2017

this book, life lessons, is proving to be a powerful one.

‘The more control we grab, the less quality we have as we expend all our energy trying to control the uncontrollable. Life does not become chaotic when we release control, it just falls into the natural order of things.’

there’s alot of linkages throughout the various themes, love, guilt, shame, power. i dont think ive ever pored over a book as much as i’m doing now.


February 25, 2017


February 25, 2017

The clockwork was about a couple running on clock work.

EAch day they would turn each other’s key to keep each other going, cooking for them, wishing each other a good day, sweet gestures. but over time, it got harder for each other to wind the key – reluctance, frustration, loss of feelings for each other.

One day, the husband didnt come home. He was stuck halfway because he didnt have enough power to reach home. The wife didnt wind it in the morning as she was upset.

As she reached towards him, she couldnt move anymore as well, because he had forgotten to wind her key too.

February 21, 2017

after all the wedding engagements this past wk i was quite sian, cos everyone seems to have found their happily ever after and i havent. doesnt seem like anywhere close.

but then i thought of my poor boy who is battling rejection and loneliness everyday far far away so that he can secure something for a better future for both of us, then i think im actually very lucky. the luckiest girl on this planet actually.

February 17, 2017


February 15, 2017

The past few days have been toough cos I’m really envious seeing all the happy couples basking in the love, all the engagement announcements I see. I think to myself why so unfair? Why are we so far apart? Why we cannot be like them? And I just realised April 26 is more than 2 mths away. Double whammy. Din even realise how much I missed him until clearing my gallery last night, stumbled on videos I took of him being silly and unexpectedly started to tear. We’ve never spent any vday together, we’ve always been apart but the furry little toys he gets somehow helps make the tears go away.