april 2017

April 21, 2017

the craziest month of my life

1. Learnt 4 things

  • 3 legged dogs, or handsome weeds
  • painting
  • gardening
  • tahitian dance

2. collected keys

3. signed

April 18, 2017

i’m sorry for the meltdown today. i shld have known in my heart you wont be back next wk, though i prayed hard you would. its like 3mths of waiting, i hadnt dared to be excited that 26 april was approaching but when you said u werent coming back, it hit me alot harder than expected.

its so hard. so very hard. i hate LDR. i told you this right from the start. its unfortunate that i have more emotional needs than you do. its so hard, wanting to be supportive of what you are doing, and yet having to put up with the thing i dislike most – that distance we havent been able to close virtually. at least in malaysia the responses are alot faster. and we had skype dates alot more often. now, its like why bother asking or telling you something cos you either wont reply or by the time you reply, its too late.

should i just keep everything to myself? i feel time and again im a burden. because you need to deal with me and my needs, you cannot focus on job hunting. because you need to carve out time to connect with me, you get stressed because you could have spent that time learning something else, meeting someone else, doing something else useful.

i cant always get what i want. there is a lesson i need to learn. once i’ve learnt it, the pain will go away. ive spent the whole month in tears, either because of the job, or because i miss you terribly. i’m so tired of crying.

i’ve been very cool and independent the past months, but there’s so much upheaval this month i need more reassurance and love than usual. how empty and selfish of me to be so full of you.

April 10, 2017

This song reminds me of you. It makes me happy, like you do.

“The Wonder Of You”

When no-one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
You give me hope and consolation
You give me strength to carry on

And you’re always there to lend a hand
In everything I do
That’s the wonder
The wonder of you

And when you smile the world is brighter
You touch my hand and I’m a king
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune
Your love for me is everything

I’ll guess I’ll never know the reason why
You love me like you do
That’s the wonder
The wonder of you


April 10, 2017

one of the biggest issues i have now is that i feel massively underappreciated.

at work, i dont feel im being appreciated, the appraisal definitely didnt help. im definitely not rewarded for all that hard work and extra hours i put in.

in love, i dont feel appreciated because i dont think people realise how hard it really is when you want your bf around and yet have to be supportive of what he does. its hard to give comfort when you yourself want it.

i think its a load off to finally figure what that underlying emotion is but thats just the start of the repair work.

April 9, 2017

heart hurts.

dont know how he will respond to the pdf but at the very least, i can say i tried. ive no capacity to deal with a’s kid being in hospital again, nor s always tired and negative.

envied the others yesterday cos their halves were with them.

its alot of small things that have added up. its always the small things.

wonder how we will cross this hurdle. wonder how i’ll cross this river.

April 9, 2017

the interviewer asked me the other day when do i get bored and it caught me off guard

i honestly couldnt remember when i was bored, apart from at work. in life, i dont think i’m bored. happy to watch documentaries, or yoga is a back up.

what i am though is lonely. i dont feel connected to g anymore. i dont feel like i have stuff to tell him, he is not in the same timezone, even if something happened, i wont get a response. dont even get to chat on the phone much. even if we do, the connection is crap, or the background is noisy.

every tear is an unmet need. my unmet need is attention from him.

i honestly dont know how i’m getting through so much uncertainty. i was just thinking yesterday how i can be here and not constantly worry about the future, what he is doing, who he is with etc. ive managed to do it the past 2 months, and am quite amazed.
given my personality, normally i would be super worried – dont know what’s gonna happen to us, dont even know if he’s coming back end of the month. and he’s so far, how’d i know if he is seeing someone else? u know that sort of irrational questions? people ask me how he’s doing and i dont really know how to answer because i dont really know.
maybe i’m alot more secure, maybe i have alot more pressing things happening here, maybe i’m surrounded by friends and their love. maybe i’ve given up caring or too tired to keep worrying, maybe i’ve become more enlightened, maybe i’ve just learnt to let go.
who knows?
distance – it pulls people apart. it takes away that intimacy and connection. if there is no effort put in, then it breaks. like strings of cheese stretching so far, so thin, so fragile, desperately still stretching and holding on to each side, until that very moment it breaks and there is a recoil from the release, the relief from so much tension.


how do i know that you still care? how can i tell that i’m not the only one who misses you? how am i to feel close to you if all i have are memories to draw on?


You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find
You get what you need

April 4, 2017

im so tired, my tears cannot even come out

shitty appraisal, no commission, being ranted at, i’m at that stage where i’ve had enough. sitting at the mrt, suddenly recalling what my HR lecturer said – you’d know when to leave your job when you find yourself in the morning at the mirror with shaky hands as you apply your lipstick. how we giggled at that. but with the palpitations, i can totally see the logic behind this.

spoke to d today and felt comforted – i suppose she might be trying to make me feel better because she needs a favour as well – but i suppose there are truths behind what she said.

i dont tink ive been so unhappy in a long time.. im really trying to stay positive and think forward but its really getting harder and harder. I dont know how to cope, its even hard for me to think of what snacks to buy to cheer myself up. and i feel like i need to take atarax every night in order to sleep throgh the night.

all those phrases i keep telling others, the night is darkest before dawn, keep the faith, god will make a way, he wont give you something you couldnt bear. i have to say it over and over to remind myself of it.

may i have the resilience to see it through til day time once more.

March 20, 2017

i feel like i should write, but i dont have anything to write.

i dont wish to talk about how bad my day was, what evil thoughts run through my head, i dont want to unpack all the emotions even though i know i must, because.

i have many thoughts to let go off. i have many things i need to do. i do not want to do any of them.

i want to bury myself in bed, and hide it out. i want the bad to magically go away. i want to give in to darkness and his comforting cloak.


March 14, 2017

perhaps, one day, things will return to normal.

i dont need a mother, i dont. and why dont people get that you need many more positive experiences to get over a negative one?

positive doesnt mean pushing them to eat or drink foods they dont want to. positive means, well i dont know what positive means anymore.

these days i feel like i could be sinking into depression. i feel that familiar dark cloak, where i just cannot bear to even get out of bed.

i dont feel like going out, yet staying home feels unbearably worse. ‘stubborn’ ‘make me want to slap you’ – ok got it. some days i feel like taking more sleeping pills than prescribed. drift far away, dont need to face the world again. perhaps, that might solve everything.

when the doctor asked if i were depressed, it took all my strength not to let the tears out. depression is real. depression is scary, its tiring.

but its a good place to be. because darkness is comforting. its non confrontational. its silence is peaceful. with tears come relief, and with relief comes a semblance of false courage to see through the next day.

i know my natural reaction is to run, escape, hide. i like that because i hate confrontation, conflict, questioning.

i really just want to be left alone. my head hurts.

what lesson is this trying to teach me?



March 11, 2017

im at a point where the line between caring and not is so thin, so narrow. ive not been so unhappy at work, to the point where i just walked away.

excepy i cant because of the bonus. not like there is much. i need to coast by sufficiently and last til the month end. swallow pride, ignore nonsense, just dont give a fuck.worse case i just dont get any bonus.

i just am at a point where im too tired to even think about what im feeling and why. i just want to get out.