daily >3

June 17, 2017

  1. good week with g, albeit teary. his tiny gestures, like willingness to apologise, cutting me more of his fish cos i was still hungry, putting aside his shitty feelings to reassure me. fab korean soup and revisiting red lobster.
  2. things that seem to be working out and flowing into place
  3. refund for airbnb
  4. didnt spend all my usd
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June 15, 2017

The fact is I don’t want you to work in us. Cos I’m gonna be in Singapore, it’s a pretty good job and I want you to be around. The fact is I’m selfish and I haven’t surrendered to the universe the fate of our relationship. It seems so much easier to surrender stuff like career, money. The fact is I’m not sure I have the patience Nor emotional energy to be supportive that you need. The fact is I think I’ve tried my part in maintaining a relationship to the kind of intimacy connectedness I think it should be at, but I’m not sure if you have the energy to do so. The fact is, I think we will drift apart. The fact is I’m scared but I can’t tell you. The fact is I don’t even want to go away but I have to. That’s facts from my world, I cannot change things no matter how hard I try. I have to learn patience and believe me I am trying.

June 6, 2017

today i felt an unusual bubble of joy as i was stretching out after dance. it was so quiet, yet so assured in its appearance. pure happiness.

May 19, 2017

i am ever so blessed. that i landed the job, got an offer higher that i wanted, in a bigger firm, in the industry i wanted to go back to.

i am really blessed. someone took over that dratted project last minute, i can leave a day earlier, i can fly off and see g soon.

i am extremely blessed. and very very grateful for all those blessings, every day, every moment.

May 12, 2017

My greatest fear I think is if you had someone else you felt more emotionally connected to than you were to me.

Physical betrayal is hard to deal with but I think the emotional one is harder to deal with. That you could trust someone and confide in them more. Sexting, texting, office bffs you name it. Sharing little secrets you’d find uncomfortable if your other half found out. Wanting to chat more with them than your other half.

So hard.

May 2, 2017

i will miss knowing the ins and outs so well

but i dont want to give a flying fuck about things anymore

april 2017

April 21, 2017

the craziest month of my life

1. Learnt 4 things

  • 3 legged dogs, or handsome weeds
  • painting
  • gardening
  • tahitian dance

2. collected keys

3. signed

April 18, 2017

i’m sorry for the meltdown today. i shld have known in my heart you wont be back next wk, though i prayed hard you would. its like 3mths of waiting, i hadnt dared to be excited that 26 april was approaching but when you said u werent coming back, it hit me alot harder than expected.

its so hard. so very hard. i hate LDR. i told you this right from the start. its unfortunate that i have more emotional needs than you do. its so hard, wanting to be supportive of what you are doing, and yet having to put up with the thing i dislike most Рthat distance we havent been able to close virtually. at least in malaysia the responses are alot faster. and we had skype dates alot more often. now, its like why bother asking or telling you something cos you either wont reply or by the time you reply, its too late.

should i just keep everything to myself? i feel time and again im a burden. because you need to deal with me and my needs, you cannot focus on job hunting. because you need to carve out time to connect with me, you get stressed because you could have spent that time learning something else, meeting someone else, doing something else useful.

i cant always get what i want. there is a lesson i need to learn. once i’ve learnt it, the pain will go away. ive spent the whole month in tears, either because of the job, or because i miss you terribly. i’m so tired of crying.

i’ve been very cool and independent the past months, but there’s so much upheaval this month i need more reassurance and love than usual. how empty and selfish¬†of me to be so full of you.

April 10, 2017

This song reminds me of you. It makes me happy, like you do.

“The Wonder Of You”

When no-one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
You give me hope and consolation
You give me strength to carry on

And you’re always there to lend a hand
In everything I do
That’s the wonder
The wonder of you

And when you smile the world is brighter
You touch my hand and I’m a king
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune
Your love for me is everything

I’ll guess I’ll never know the reason why
You love me like you do
That’s the wonder
The wonder of you

 

April 10, 2017

one of the biggest issues i have now is that i feel massively underappreciated.

at work, i dont feel im being appreciated, the appraisal definitely didnt help. im definitely not rewarded for all that hard work and extra hours i put in.

in love, i dont feel appreciated because i dont think people realise how hard it really is when you want your bf around and yet have to be supportive of what he does. its hard to give comfort when you yourself want it.

i think its a load off to finally figure what that underlying emotion is but thats just the start of the repair work.