October 1, 2017

my laptop is like my time machine. back from a trip, it opens up to a world days ago, as and where i left it. it helps to have an idea of where i was and how far i’ve come.

i came back from a week in tokyo. that was such a whirlwind. from the 2 week notice i got, to the script i received the weekend i was flying off, to discovering how the board comprised people like shell’s ceo, nestle’s ceo, burberry’s coo.

i was nervous but for some reason more nervous during the dry run. maybe its with people i know and their views were more important. is that how it is with real life? probably.

it was a week of patience. my jap colleagues were sweet but language was such a struggle. trying to really listen and pay attention to every word, then finding the simplest way to respond or communicate my needs – that was tough.

i’m thankful for my gift of language. i do have a way with words and messages and stories. i will never forget peter voser come next to me, clutch my elbow and say ‘well done’. i wont forget julia brown say thank you, that was really good. i dont think i will ever fear presentations again in my life.

i do, however, need to find it in me to carry on and do even better, when my audience doesnt seem to be as smiley or responsive.

i learn alot about myself when i am by myself. i subconsciously still think about/for you whilst shopping. i see things and want to get them for you or show you. i realise i buy alot of things for others too.

i also realise how i dont really like travelling alone. sure its nice and liberating to do as i wish but im just not as daring. i dont bother searching for nice places, i just make do with 7-11 quick fixes, so i was quite proud i persevered and made an effort to go to ginza bairin.

i also realise i’m not completely over the break up. no surprise. esp on the flights home. but i guess its ok. i will take my time to heal.

sometimes i wonder, do or did i matter so little to you? i wonder if you are regretting, or happy that you are free? these questions are useless of course, i’m just trying to establish my importance.

but i get it. im no longer important, and that stings cos i feel let down since i did make you priority. it shld have been equal and mutual and it wasnt.

i know things will be ok. i know i will heal, i will get back up and i will soar. but meanwhile, the tears still come and i sit here wondering where did we go wrong.

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