September 3, 2017

thank you for the past 2 years. given how much you like tldrs, here it is

if, for once, you decided that tldrs werent needed:

you gave me the strength and courage to face life head on. you were my anchor, my pillar. you were someone i loved with all my heart, you had so much gentleness and kindness. you took away alot of fear, replaced it with the courage to try again, to laugh wholeheartedly, to love fully. you understood (mostly) when i complained, ranted. you comforted me with your own brand of comfort – logic punctuated with unexpected tenderness. you would tell me to watch out while driving, be careful when i’m travelling. you would cradle my head so that it wouldnt hurt against the wall. you taught me that i could trust someone again with my heart.

i never would gone on a rollercoaster if not for you. i never would have gone to a haunted house if it werent because you were with me. i never would eat all our favourite foods because it was meant to be shared and fought over. i never felt quite as safe and secure, knowing that i was accepted for who i was. i could be myself, i could be silly, i could be dumb and it was ok.

i had forgotten how much i loved hugs and kisses until i met you. i had forgotten how nice it was to walk hand in hand in companionable silence. i had forgotten how much i liked cooking for someone. my regret is that i never got to bake you something or cook you a proper meal. i had forgotten how nice it was to be pampered with half boiled eggs in the morning, or random surprises like a microsoft office license. i had forgotten how warm and wonderful it felt cuddling and watching movies, even though we had watched way too many in this short time together. i had forgotten how funny i could be as a person.

we used to walk with steps in tune, we seemed to be able to read each others minds, our goodnight and morning cuddles were always the best because we fit into each others arms so naturally. our bouts of sniggers that quickly turned into hysterical, coughing fits. the contentment of doing nothing but basking the peaceful happiness of just being able to be together.

There is so much I need to get used to now. Like the feeling of holding my own hands, and how different it feels from yours. Funny right? You’d think holding your own hands would be the most familiar feeling on earth. I also need to get used not thinking about you, or wanting to share everything interesting i come across with you. I had to change my passwords because they are what you use on hotel safes. I had to delete the 18 Oct reminder in my calendar. I have to stop referring to you as my bf but as my ex.

You were sent into my life to teach me the lesson of loss. You taught it well. The numerous departures, the countless tears and anguish, the gradual drifting apart, the disappointment, the reluctance. I had to learn how to let go, I had to find it inside me to soothe myself, I learnt over and over again what it meant to treasure whatever little time we had together. The biggest thing though, was that people leave me not because they didnt love me, nor that I wasnt lovable enough. i think, i still may not get used to the feeling of loss – that wrench surely cannot be something one gets used to – but i’m getting it now.

thank you for giving me all that. you were my world and it was beautiful.

My wishes for you are captured in this song.
I will always be happy to be your good friend, listen and chat with you as I do with all my good friends. So dont be a stranger. There’s nothing a good rant and ice cream/fried chicken cannot solve. I know you will find your way, and I still want to see you succeed because I believe in you.
Goodbye my love. Spidey and I will miss you alot.



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