April 18, 2017

i’m sorry for the meltdown today. i shld have known in my heart you wont be back next wk, though i prayed hard you would. its like 3mths of waiting, i hadnt dared to be excited that 26 april was approaching but when you said u werent coming back, it hit me alot harder than expected.

its so hard. so very hard. i hate LDR. i told you this right from the start. its unfortunate that i have more emotional needs than you do. its so hard, wanting to be supportive of what you are doing, and yet having to put up with the thing i dislike most – that distance we havent been able to close virtually. at least in malaysia the responses are alot faster. and we had skype dates alot more often. now, its like why bother asking or telling you something cos you either wont reply or by the time you reply, its too late.

should i just keep everything to myself? i feel time and again im a burden. because you need to deal with me and my needs, you cannot focus on job hunting. because you need to carve out time to connect with me, you get stressed because you could have spent that time learning something else, meeting someone else, doing something else useful.

i cant always get what i want. there is a lesson i need to learn. once i’ve learnt it, the pain will go away. ive spent the whole month in tears, either because of the job, or because i miss you terribly. i’m so tired of crying.

i’ve been very cool and independent the past months, but there’s so much upheaval this month i need more reassurance and love than usual. how empty and selfish of me to be so full of you.

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