April 9, 2017

the interviewer asked me the other day when do i get bored and it caught me off guard

i honestly couldnt remember when i was bored, apart from at work. in life, i dont think i’m bored. happy to watch documentaries, or yoga is a back up.

what i am though is lonely. i dont feel connected to g anymore. i dont feel like i have stuff to tell him, he is not in the same timezone, even if something happened, i wont get a response. dont even get to chat on the phone much. even if we do, the connection is crap, or the background is noisy.

every tear is an unmet need. my unmet need is attention from him.

i honestly dont know how i’m getting through so much uncertainty. i was just thinking yesterday how i can be here and not constantly worry about the future, what he is doing, who he is with etc. ive managed to do it the past 2 months, and am quite amazed.
given my personality, normally i would be super worried – dont know what’s gonna happen to us, dont even know if he’s coming back end of the month. and he’s so far, how’d i know if he is seeing someone else? u know that sort of irrational questions? people ask me how he’s doing and i dont really know how to answer because i dont really know.
maybe i’m alot more secure, maybe i have alot more pressing things happening here, maybe i’m surrounded by friends and their love. maybe i’ve given up caring or too tired to keep worrying, maybe i’ve become more enlightened, maybe i’ve just learnt to let go.
who knows?
distance – it pulls people apart. it takes away that intimacy and connection. if there is no effort put in, then it breaks. like strings of cheese stretching so far, so thin, so fragile, desperately still stretching and holding on to each side, until that very moment it breaks and there is a recoil from the release, the relief from so much tension.


how do i know that you still care? how can i tell that i’m not the only one who misses you? how am i to feel close to you if all i have are memories to draw on?


You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find
You get what you need


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