March 14, 2017

perhaps, one day, things will return to normal.

i dont need a mother, i dont. and why dont people get that you need many more positive experiences to get over a negative one?

positive doesnt mean pushing them to eat or drink foods they dont want to. positive means, well i dont know what positive means anymore.

these days i feel like i could be sinking into depression. i feel that familiar dark cloak, where i just cannot bear to even get out of bed.

i dont feel like going out, yet staying home feels unbearably worse. ‘stubborn’ ‘make me want to slap you’ – ok got it. some days i feel like taking more sleeping pills than prescribed. drift far away, dont need to face the world again. perhaps, that might solve everything.

when the doctor asked if i were depressed, it took all my strength not to let the tears out. depression is real. depression is scary, its tiring.

but its a good place to be. because darkness is comforting. its non confrontational. its silence is peaceful. with tears come relief, and with relief comes a semblance of false courage to see through the next day.

i know my natural reaction is to run, escape, hide. i like that because i hate confrontation, conflict, questioning.

i really just want to be left alone. my head hurts.

what lesson is this trying to teach me?




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