December 30, 2016

i’m writing not to criticise or blame, but to just try and figure out what really is going on in that crazy grey world inside my head.

2017 scares me. like it really does. there’s so much uncertainty and apprehension. the trigger i think, is the fact that there are many departures. M left ignite, despite a very promising start. G is leaving for the states, and i dont know when he’s going to be back.

i dont know what the year has in stall for me but i have alot of fear. its like people are abandoning me again – walking away from me, leaving me behind. i know he is stressed about finding a job and worries that he cannot get one. i know he is torn between chasing a dream and just settling for something. the idealist in us, thats what drew us together in the first place. but i cannot help but worry. the last time someone went overseas, it marked the end of our relationship. its not just the ldr which i dislike, but its the fear that he will find someone better, or he decides that its not worth sticking together. i mean, logically if he did find someone better, he deserves it. but i cannot bear that thought.

so i also have alot of fear because i dont dare to discuss my fears with him. i dont want to stress him unnecessarily. as it is, he already feels stressed by my ‘requests’ to call me. i suppose i shouldnt be demanding but i have needs. but i dont want to hold them in and suffer by myself. a relationship to me, should be about both parties ‘suffering’ with each other through the rough times, and not just bear the pain alone. i try to be understanding when he is distracted, or frustrated when i say thoughtless things like i want to go on holiday, but sometimes it gets hard. and when that happens, i just want to run away and detach. so that i can protect myself. so that it wouldnt hurt. detaching is the easiest way.

i dont know where we are. i suppose everything hinges on his job. there are many unspokens, what if? what if the job cannot be secured in SF? what if money runs out? what if time runs out? what if the obstacles are too hard for us to overcome? what if we decide to give up?

there are too many questions no one can answer. but i tink what would really help, and what i’ve been trying to ask for albeit unsuccessfully, is for you to let me know that i’m worthy of your time and attention. that, its normal to be apprehensive, that we can get through this, together. that i want for us to stay connected, not just physically, but emotionally.

like, i like the calls/check ins. i asked for them for a reason. they make me feel connected, like im remembered.
this new year is going to be hard. i hope to have the fortitude to see it through.
ok. that was long. i feel much better. sometimes its in confronting those demons that actually either make them seem less of a demon, or chase them away.

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