third

February 27, 2014

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with thanks to zestydoesthings

car, mich, dinga, mun, woei jie jie. you’d never know this but all the random things we talk about probably were lifesavers. 

i can never really tell anyone the whole truth of what’s going on except to woei jj. but and yet, the human interaction and distraction is more than enough to keep me afloat. constantly reminding me that even though my feet cannot touch the ground, my head is above water and i wont drown if i dont struggle. i struggled so much, i was scared of drowning and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. almost.

this being the 3rd time, i’ve learnt how to read the signs. first time i ever got depressed severely was because of dom. i dont know if my dad had caused depression before but well it doesnt matter. even though i took a long time to get out of that bout no thanks to dom, i remember how i cried and cried and cried, then blogged and blogged and blogged and then finally partied and got a life. so thanks to him, i discovered i had pretty good event planning and organisation skills and perhaps that was the start of how i became good at biz dev. i rediscovered friends, made new ones, life became pretty good. 

2nd time i wasnt so lucky and landed up in the counsellors room. i couldnt cope. i didnt have anyone to talk to and i was constantly worried and living in absolute hell. fear sent chills down my spine and stopped my heart everytime the phone rang or the doorbell buzzed. i wanted to cry but i had to be strong for both of us. i refused to give up, i thought i could cope. but i finally crashed and crashed hard. i got help but it was too late. 

this time i think i know better. i feel like i’ve matured in depression. as in, matured in the way i handle depression. not that i’ve really matured. 

i mean, you have to right? you cant go through the same thing over and over again doing it the same exact wrong way. that’s just retarded. while i lack the utter sophistication in being a pro, i’m realising how wise i was initially in figuring out how to cope. why didnt i use those methods last year? beats me. but to be honest, i think it was also very circumstantial. i just had no idea how to deal with this problem. 

i just really dont want to go back to that place again.

 

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