poison

April 2, 2013

my heart is riddled with anger and hate. why wont these people let us off? god, i simply cannot understand why you put us through this. time and again, they destroy the very last strands of hope we have. whatever lesson you’ve wanted me to learn, havent i learnt enough? its been 6 months, god. i dont know how many minutes that is but i assure you, every moment has felt like years on end. i really dont know what you have in store, god, but i really hope you can give us a break and a chance because we are already so broken in spirit. the easter sermon said that You have to break before You can restore. my question really is, am i already at the broken stage? or am i still in the process of being broken? i know you wont answer but i still really want to know why. and i so desperately want to be able to catch even the faintest glimpse of the light ahead because all around me in the darkness are cockroaches and rats nibbling away at me unceasingly even though i cannot see and i have no idea when the torture will end. my heart hurts so bad. i want to cry out loud with anguish and let it out but what use will it bring? its not gonna stop them, is it? its not gonna end my misery, is it? its not gonna help, isnt it? my cuts are being reopened the moment they start to heal. will you please just give me enough time to just let my wounds form scabs? i can deal with the scars, but i cannot keep bleeding god. the blood keeps gushing, so much so fast its scary because i see life ebbing away. please god, i know its bad that i only come to you in times of shit and perhaps this is my punishment but please, dont do this to him as well. there is only so much one can bear. god i know you will make a way for us, as you’ve done in the past and thank you but please god, please, i’m not asking for restoration but just a break in the breaking. thats all. please?

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