May 13, 2011

i’ve been dreaming alot these days. they mainly border on the themes of fear, loss, and just general random weirdness.

when i first received news, i was..to be honest..not very happy. primarily because i’d secretly hope it was the job offer. as it were, i was on my way to yet another interview and suddenly i was thrust into crossroads.

everyone says, great! but you know, you better have xxx plan, xxx idea on what you wanna do so that you can make full use of the time in school to hone it, must make sure this investment is worth it. but, i feel so inept and inadequate because i have none. i’ve no clue watsoever, i’m jus really going with the flow with no bigger plans, nor greater ambitions apart from a twinge hope that studying will get me a better job in the future. you can shake your head, throw your hands up in despair, and thnk, gosh, this girl is hopeless, then sigh in disappointment. i know, my other self is doing the exact same thing. how can ANYONE be so clueless as to what they want to do, or what they want out of life?

maybe cos i’ve always had it good. maybe i dont know enough about myself. maybe i worry too much, plan too little. maybe i’m just too contented. maybe, its cos i know in my heart, no matter what happens, where i go, everything will somehow be ok. i know i keep saying this, but its true.

sure, being broke sucks. being unemployed, aimlessly whiling away time, having difficulties explaining to others why im not working, well they all suck i tell you. but its not all that bad. i have the luxury of time on my hands, something not everyone has. its a double edged sword, having this amount of time. i tink i’ve spent it pretty well.

with this move, i’m walking further and further away from medicine and my once much prized dream of becoming a doctor, specifically, joining the doctors without borders. on hindsight, it probably was never meant to be. but thus far, i’ve learnt that you really dont lose anything from trying. i tink you lose much much more by giving up. just gotta bolster up courage, grow a thick skin, become as vulnerable as you can possibly be, to the point of being (close to) shameless and somehow things happen. perhaps not teh way you’d like, but other things then happen. some roads close, others diverge, and even more others crisscross further ahead where it is yet visible to the naked eye.

change is scary, really scary, but change is inevitable and so we change along with the changes that change us forever.


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