doubt.

June 1, 2009

ok i’m freakinpissed with wordpress. every first time i post, the damn thing disappears and i have to retype.

i’m upset and confused, nothanks to the visit to the doc.

but i’m too tired to rewrite.

ok i shall just type and off load things.

the happie bubble fr the weekend has burst, and my entire life is staring at me right in the face.

it is mine to have, to hold, to control, to steer, to manuveur. what do u do with such great power?

i just thought it was ironic really. words of wisdom from ppl, advise, this, that, reality checks. i mean, they serve a purpose, dont they?

i dont get their purpose really. these things, i can do without.

cos with them, it just serves to make me realise my limits. and how humanely impossible the road ahead is going to be. it just puts a mental cap on me, even before i’ve tried it.

call me foolish, but i can do without them.. and just charge henceforth.

floundering.. am i really lacking in resolve? am i unable to face up to challenge?

if u waver, because you can see the realities, limitations and barriers, is it cowardly to give up whilst trying?

all i can hear ringing fr the meetup with the doc is ‘its tough.. you need to be academically brilliant.. you need to score extremely well.. its tough.. its more than 10rys.. you’ll wanna get married.. the course is not cheap… they arent short of very good applicants.. absorptive capacity is not v good now compared to when u are 21.. all these are barriers.. its tough.. its tough…

i’m faltering. where, is my resolve?

sometimes, the head hurts so bad the heart aches for it.

therein lies the power of decision. yet to be exploited, there for me to explore.

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8 Responses to “doubt.”

  1. ongyenn said

    Can I say something? Of course it’s tough, why would I want to live and do something easy (graded by the society of what so-called easy, or what so-called tough and what so-called “you should be doing what at your age”, and not doing what at certain age). We going to just let life past by/wash by/zoom by, day after day doing something “they” so-called “easy”?

    What do you truly believe in? I think you already have an answer to that. =)

    • mystrappyshoes said

      yennyenn, that is exactly what i need. *so wise for a 2yr old* =0p
      i never said i wanted an easy life, and i didnt exactly choose the easiest route either.
      but there will always be such moments along the way, and i havent exactly been hearing many positive things, so i accept its inevitable i will go thru phases where i question and doubt and wonder if i did something stupid.
      even as i appreciate the ‘warnings’ and ‘advice’ other ppl give me, it made me reflect on those times i tried to ‘warn’ ppl too cos i wen thru similar things. and i realised, its such a fine line btwn helping them and demotivating them.
      humans are so complicated, arent they? but i know u’d say its jus cos we choose to complicate it, when things are actually very simple =0p

      • ongyenn said

        It makes me wonder why do these people “warn” and advice? Because they care and worry that if we didn’t make it, there will be disappointment and they simply don’t want us to be sad and disappointed right?

        If that is the case, it simply means in the first place, even before the person actually decided to take a leap, they already have not faith and confident that the person will make it? I would only say I am always confident that my friend will make it in whatever they truly want to do and want to be, I never give any doubts to that. Coz’ at the end of the day, the day you made it, all these so-called “advices” given by people in the past does not worth looking back at them at all.

        Those warnings are here to create fear and fear is not true, it is something that we made it up ourselves. =)

      • mystrappyshoes said

        warning and advising is a double edged sword i tink. cos fr both parties, the intention is good. and sometimes, these warnings really come in useful, n saves ur ass. i dont tink they have no confidence, they jus wan the person to tink abt it again and properly. like my mother, she tot i was super rash and even now she’s still wondering if i’d go ahead with it.

        of cos everyday u kenna questioned and asked, u’ll also start to doubt urself. but then, if everyday ppl come and say, u can do it, then u may oso be falsely led to tink its possible, even if u’re really really hitting against a steel-reinforced concrete wall.

        at the end of the day, NOTHING even matters. just, live with no regrets. fear keeps us alive, it spurs ppl to press on, but still, being scared shld never become my excuse. and i’ll work towards making sure it never becomes my achilles heel.

      • ongyenn said

        Yea!

      • mystrappyshoes said

        wah lau i type so much, u reply with one word! -_-‘

  2. ongyenn said

    Cause’ I agreed with all that you’ve just said ma…..so…….yah…….YEA~

  3. ongyenn said

    Cause’ I agreed with what you said ma….so….ya….YEA~

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