February 15, 2018

yesterday left me thoroughly confused.

did i misunderstand what you had said about me being important to you?

perhaps.

i recognise that i shouldnt always think of worst case scenario but i just dont want to get hurt. i dont want to open my heart to someone only to realise they didnt want it. i want signs so that i can be sure its ok to do so.

i get that perhaps in the office setting, its just abit awkward to show anything. so squeezing my hand before i left – yup ok got that. that was reaffirming. and then you also said thanks dear which was like sweet but also huh is that a casual flippant thing?

the key i think was that i didnt get a good sense of who you were out with on vday. and i didnt hear from you the whole night. which means to me you were out with someone who commanded quite a significant amount of your attention. perhaps i shld have just been straightforward and asked.

 

如果你快乐 不是为我
会不会放手 其实才是拥有

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February 12, 2018

有点担心因为动了心

原本坚决想’walk into love’的我,感觉似乎快要‘ fall in love’

我的心啊你怎么已经这样呢?

你的一举一动,你的温柔疼惜,你的细心低调的照顾

有时候猜不透你在想什么,更多时候不敢有期望,以免失望

有时很想更亲近,有时却觉得要保持距离,以免受伤

昨晚亲了一下,感觉天经地义,但是还是不能确认我们倆到底是什么关系

这灰色地带让人忐忑不安

头脑说要耐心一点,顺其自然

但愿这颗心也能听从

January 21, 2018

reminder to self, not to invest too much, too soon.

that its ok, to let things go with the flow, because what is meant to be will happen regardless.

its nice to be liked, its that eagerness to want to have certainty to be part of another half.

but its ok its ok its ok. something good doesnt require that much effort.

January 1, 2018

I’m escaping as I always have. Escaping to another world, another city. What am I escaping from? Perhaps from an unhappy relationship at home. More than perhaps, perhaps.

Disappointed there hasn’t been messages from some people but I’ll deal with it. Envious of other people, feel bad for that but I just want selfishly to have my own happiness too.

Its not been an easy year. Wins and losses. More wins but so much hard work too. Some days I miss him, other days I just feel nothing and can just delete our photos without any qualm. Most days I feel ready to date. Other days I just feel tired.

I love my job now that m has left. God that was such a pain to deal with. I still have yet to wrap my head around what I need to do – tons and I don’t quite know how to do so yet.

What were the best parts of 2018? Peter voser. Being called a Noticer. Reconnecting with people. Gardening. Lele qiqi videos. Taking business class.

Worst? Dealing with him being away. Breaking up sucks but it wasn’t as bad. The last few months at mg. dealing with M and sticking to letting her go despite all the nonsense she pulled off. Moments of self doubt and fear.

accomplished? Jes thanking me and asking her to give her time to adjust to being part of a team. Having 40 ppl have fried chicken with me. Getting to US and Toronto unscathed.

So where do we go from here? I want to say upwards onwards forwards but there’s that part of me that’s like, well yeah maybe? Maybe not? That’s probably what my boss was referring lol. I daren’t hope in fear that it will turn out the worst possible ever. Ridiculous but true.

Other random things: Im drawn to death and dying. I want to dance again. Catharsis.

 

 

focus on health. Focus on getting that scope done, that exercise regime going.Focus on my main work kpi. Focus on being brave and on braving. Focus on building a strong team. Focus on really experiencing Everyday. Focus on actually implementing one thing I’ve learnt. Focus on giving people the gift of my time and attention.

 

December 19, 2017

im in indianapolis, never thought i’d be here. i had an album called USA2017, but how things have changed since then.

i’m here because of a wedding that has since been called off. 3 of us girls are now single. its funny because we all thought that this relationship was IT for us. who knew.

 

35

November 13, 2017

they say that after you graduate from school, it gets increasingly hard to make real, genuine friends. because, at work, you generally cant.

i beg to differ.

the past years have proven over and over that it is very possible for good, solid friendships to form and last. this year has been the same. from strangers, acquaintances, co workers, to finding and reconnecting with long lost friends, i’ve been at the receiving end of all this love and support, especially when I least expected it. who’d have thought the last year would have been spent discussing books and change management best practices with my bff? or to have multiple conversations in the same whatsapp chat and know exactly what each other is talking about? or laugh uncontrollably over tinder horror stories and awful profiles? who’d have thought my former intern would have called out to me in a crowd of noisy barking dogs? who’d have thought i’d pick up tahiti dance, for goodness sakes? or be able to discuss retirement plans in an onsen? or have warm drinks every morning and roxx music after work? or shed tears together over a much beloved puggy who showed us what it meant to be brave and positive? or just simply allowing me to be part of all the major life events that happen in your life, be it marriage, kids or even in death?

you have all helped me grow, stretch and mould me into the person i am today. whether it was by scolding, reminding, pampering, reinforcing, listening or my fave – providing me with good food – thank you. i wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

ps special shoutout to Peter Voser who may never see this, but in case you do, you have no idea how much your words meant to me. that was -the- career highlight of my life so thank you!

October 1, 2017

my laptop is like my time machine. back from a trip, it opens up to a world days ago, as and where i left it. it helps to have an idea of where i was and how far i’ve come.

i came back from a week in tokyo. that was such a whirlwind. from the 2 week notice i got, to the script i received the weekend i was flying off, to discovering how the board comprised people like shell’s ceo, nestle’s ceo, burberry’s coo.

i was nervous but for some reason more nervous during the dry run. maybe its with people i know and their views were more important. is that how it is with real life? probably.

it was a week of patience. my jap colleagues were sweet but language was such a struggle. trying to really listen and pay attention to every word, then finding the simplest way to respond or communicate my needs – that was tough.

i’m thankful for my gift of language. i do have a way with words and messages and stories. i will never forget peter voser come next to me, clutch my elbow and say ‘well done’. i wont forget julia brown say thank you, that was really good. i dont think i will ever fear presentations again in my life.

i do, however, need to find it in me to carry on and do even better, when my audience doesnt seem to be as smiley or responsive.

i learn alot about myself when i am by myself. i subconsciously still think about/for you whilst shopping. i see things and want to get them for you or show you. i realise i buy alot of things for others too.

i also realise how i dont really like travelling alone. sure its nice and liberating to do as i wish but im just not as daring. i dont bother searching for nice places, i just make do with 7-11 quick fixes, so i was quite proud i persevered and made an effort to go to ginza bairin.

i also realise i’m not completely over the break up. no surprise. esp on the flights home. but i guess its ok. i will take my time to heal.

sometimes i wonder, do or did i matter so little to you? i wonder if you are regretting, or happy that you are free? these questions are useless of course, i’m just trying to establish my importance.

but i get it. im no longer important, and that stings cos i feel let down since i did make you priority. it shld have been equal and mutual and it wasnt.

i know things will be ok. i know i will heal, i will get back up and i will soar. but meanwhile, the tears still come and i sit here wondering where did we go wrong.

September 3, 2017

thank you for the past 2 years. given how much you like tldrs, here it is https://www.instagram.com/p/BYRkOR7jhdfhn4VmxvDKVxrnR89tOjCcgXwU040/?taken-by=mystrappyshoes

if, for once, you decided that tldrs werent needed:

you gave me the strength and courage to face life head on. you were my anchor, my pillar. you were someone i loved with all my heart, you had so much gentleness and kindness. you took away alot of fear, replaced it with the courage to try again, to laugh wholeheartedly, to love fully. you understood (mostly) when i complained, ranted. you comforted me with your own brand of comfort – logic punctuated with unexpected tenderness. you would tell me to watch out while driving, be careful when i’m travelling. you would cradle my head so that it wouldnt hurt against the wall. you taught me that i could trust someone again with my heart.

i never would gone on a rollercoaster if not for you. i never would have gone to a haunted house if it werent because you were with me. i never would eat all our favourite foods because it was meant to be shared and fought over. i never felt quite as safe and secure, knowing that i was accepted for who i was. i could be myself, i could be silly, i could be dumb and it was ok.

i had forgotten how much i loved hugs and kisses until i met you. i had forgotten how nice it was to walk hand in hand in companionable silence. i had forgotten how much i liked cooking for someone. my regret is that i never got to bake you something or cook you a proper meal. i had forgotten how nice it was to be pampered with half boiled eggs in the morning, or random surprises like a microsoft office license. i had forgotten how warm and wonderful it felt cuddling and watching movies, even though we had watched way too many in this short time together. i had forgotten how funny i could be as a person.

we used to walk with steps in tune, we seemed to be able to read each others minds, our goodnight and morning cuddles were always the best because we fit into each others arms so naturally. our bouts of sniggers that quickly turned into hysterical, coughing fits. the contentment of doing nothing but basking the peaceful happiness of just being able to be together.

There is so much I need to get used to now. Like the feeling of holding my own hands, and how different it feels from yours. Funny right? You’d think holding your own hands would be the most familiar feeling on earth. I also need to get used not thinking about you, or wanting to share everything interesting i come across with you. I had to change my passwords because they are what you use on hotel safes. I had to delete the 18 Oct reminder in my calendar. I have to stop referring to you as my bf but as my ex.

You were sent into my life to teach me the lesson of loss. You taught it well. The numerous departures, the countless tears and anguish, the gradual drifting apart, the disappointment, the reluctance. I had to learn how to let go, I had to find it inside me to soothe myself, I learnt over and over again what it meant to treasure whatever little time we had together. The biggest thing though, was that people leave me not because they didnt love me, nor that I wasnt lovable enough. i think, i still may not get used to the feeling of loss – that wrench surely cannot be something one gets used to – but i’m getting it now.

thank you for giving me all that. you were my world and it was beautiful.

My wishes for you are captured in this song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjTd8Hzim9I
I will always be happy to be your good friend, listen and chat with you as I do with all my good friends. So dont be a stranger. There’s nothing a good rant and ice cream/fried chicken cannot solve. I know you will find your way, and I still want to see you succeed because I believe in you.
Goodbye my love. Spidey and I will miss you alot.

 

August 29, 2017

soph jj came to surprise me with cookies! ❤

in the meeting earlier, someone mentioned USS halloween and it made my heart stop suddenly. all those memories. when you first held my hand. all the laughter we shared.

no more. we wont be going there anymore. we are no more.

好不舍得

好痛惜,好痛惜

August 28, 2017

十万毫升泪水
作曲:蔡健雅

知道我不完美 能给的我都给
于是天蓝转灰转黑 也微笑不插嘴

这一次会气馁 连平凡爱一回
都才将心给谁 马上又被粉碎

满意了吗 你究竟有完没完
你烦不烦 总考验我多勇敢
有那么难 那么幸福和美满
我不贪婪 只求多些夜晚 不鼻酸 不孤单
我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管

人的一生会积累 十万毫升泪水
以为哭完苦悲苦味 能换来好结尾

并不是我后悔 爱会痛我奉陪
只是轮到我没 谁视我为宝贝

满意了吗 你究竟有完没完
你烦不烦 总考验我多勇敢
有那么难 那么幸福和美满
我不贪婪 只求多些夜晚 不鼻酸 不孤单
我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管

有完没完 我已无条件投降
我要归还 向你借来的勇敢
我不野蛮 不属于我的美满
都不贪婪 只求一到夜晚 有期盼 有陪伴
我想要你给我个答案 你却不管
你都不管
你别不管
我的伤感