October 1, 2017

my laptop is like my time machine. back from a trip, it opens up to a world days ago, as and where i left it. it helps to have an idea of where i was and how far i’ve come.

i came back from a week in tokyo. that was such a whirlwind. from the 2 week notice i got, to the script i received the weekend i was flying off, to discovering how the board comprised people like shell’s ceo, nestle’s ceo, burberry’s coo.

i was nervous but for some reason more nervous during the dry run. maybe its with people i know and their views were more important. is that how it is with real life? probably.

it was a week of patience. my jap colleagues were sweet but language was such a struggle. trying to really listen and pay attention to every word, then finding the simplest way to respond or communicate my needs – that was tough.

i’m thankful for my gift of language. i do have a way with words and messages and stories. i will never forget peter voser come next to me, clutch my elbow and say ‘well done’. i wont forget julia brown say thank you, that was really good. i dont think i will ever fear presentations again in my life.

i do, however, need to find it in me to carry on and do even better, when my audience doesnt seem to be as smiley or responsive.

i learn alot about myself when i am by myself. i subconsciously still think about/for you whilst shopping. i see things and want to get them for you or show you. i realise i buy alot of things for others too.

i also realise how i dont really like travelling alone. sure its nice and liberating to do as i wish but im just not as daring. i dont bother searching for nice places, i just make do with 7-11 quick fixes, so i was quite proud i persevered and made an effort to go to ginza bairin.

i also realise i’m not completely over the break up. no surprise. esp on the flights home. but i guess its ok. i will take my time to heal.

sometimes i wonder, do or did i matter so little to you? i wonder if you are regretting, or happy that you are free? these questions are useless of course, i’m just trying to establish my importance.

but i get it. im no longer important, and that stings cos i feel let down since i did make you priority. it shld have been equal and mutual and it wasnt.

i know things will be ok. i know i will heal, i will get back up and i will soar. but meanwhile, the tears still come and i sit here wondering where did we go wrong.

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September 3, 2017

thank you for the past 2 years. given how much you like tldrs, here it is https://www.instagram.com/p/BYRkOR7jhdfhn4VmxvDKVxrnR89tOjCcgXwU040/?taken-by=mystrappyshoes

if, for once, you decided that tldrs werent needed:

you gave me the strength and courage to face life head on. you were my anchor, my pillar. you were someone i loved with all my heart, you had so much gentleness and kindness. you took away alot of fear, replaced it with the courage to try again, to laugh wholeheartedly, to love fully. you understood (mostly) when i complained, ranted. you comforted me with your own brand of comfort – logic punctuated with unexpected tenderness. you would tell me to watch out while driving, be careful when i’m travelling. you would cradle my head so that it wouldnt hurt against the wall. you taught me that i could trust someone again with my heart.

i never would gone on a rollercoaster if not for you. i never would have gone to a haunted house if it werent because you were with me. i never would eat all our favourite foods because it was meant to be shared and fought over. i never felt quite as safe and secure, knowing that i was accepted for who i was. i could be myself, i could be silly, i could be dumb and it was ok.

i had forgotten how much i loved hugs and kisses until i met you. i had forgotten how nice it was to walk hand in hand in companionable silence. i had forgotten how much i liked cooking for someone. my regret is that i never got to bake you something or cook you a proper meal. i had forgotten how nice it was to be pampered with half boiled eggs in the morning, or random surprises like a microsoft office license. i had forgotten how warm and wonderful it felt cuddling and watching movies, even though we had watched way too many in this short time together. i had forgotten how funny i could be as a person.

we used to walk with steps in tune, we seemed to be able to read each others minds, our goodnight and morning cuddles were always the best because we fit into each others arms so naturally. our bouts of sniggers that quickly turned into hysterical, coughing fits. the contentment of doing nothing but basking the peaceful happiness of just being able to be together.

There is so much I need to get used to now. Like the feeling of holding my own hands, and how different it feels from yours. Funny right? You’d think holding your own hands would be the most familiar feeling on earth. I also need to get used not thinking about you, or wanting to share everything interesting i come across with you. I had to change my passwords because they are what you use on hotel safes. I had to delete the 18 Oct reminder in my calendar. I have to stop referring to you as my bf but as my ex.

You were sent into my life to teach me the lesson of loss. You taught it well. The numerous departures, the countless tears and anguish, the gradual drifting apart, the disappointment, the reluctance. I had to learn how to let go, I had to find it inside me to soothe myself, I learnt over and over again what it meant to treasure whatever little time we had together. The biggest thing though, was that people leave me not because they didnt love me, nor that I wasnt lovable enough. i think, i still may not get used to the feeling of loss – that wrench surely cannot be something one gets used to – but i’m getting it now.

thank you for giving me all that. you were my world and it was beautiful.

My wishes for you are captured in this song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjTd8Hzim9I
I will always be happy to be your good friend, listen and chat with you as I do with all my good friends. So dont be a stranger. There’s nothing a good rant and ice cream/fried chicken cannot solve. I know you will find your way, and I still want to see you succeed because I believe in you.
Goodbye my love. Spidey and I will miss you alot.

 

August 29, 2017

soph jj came to surprise me with cookies! ❤

in the meeting earlier, someone mentioned USS halloween and it made my heart stop suddenly. all those memories. when you first held my hand. all the laughter we shared.

no more. we wont be going there anymore. we are no more.

好不舍得

好痛惜,好痛惜

August 28, 2017

十万毫升泪水
作曲:蔡健雅

知道我不完美 能给的我都给
于是天蓝转灰转黑 也微笑不插嘴

这一次会气馁 连平凡爱一回
都才将心给谁 马上又被粉碎

满意了吗 你究竟有完没完
你烦不烦 总考验我多勇敢
有那么难 那么幸福和美满
我不贪婪 只求多些夜晚 不鼻酸 不孤单
我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管

人的一生会积累 十万毫升泪水
以为哭完苦悲苦味 能换来好结尾

并不是我后悔 爱会痛我奉陪
只是轮到我没 谁视我为宝贝

满意了吗 你究竟有完没完
你烦不烦 总考验我多勇敢
有那么难 那么幸福和美满
我不贪婪 只求多些夜晚 不鼻酸 不孤单
我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管

有完没完 我已无条件投降
我要归还 向你借来的勇敢
我不野蛮 不属于我的美满
都不贪婪 只求一到夜晚 有期盼 有陪伴
我想要你给我个答案 你却不管
你都不管
你别不管
我的伤感

August 28, 2017

很心酸

不知为何今天比昨天还要心酸

拥抱的感觉又熟悉有痛惜

we did the usual things we would have – ma maison, ice cream, llao llao with the usual toppings. chatting away like we used to.

 

 

 

August 27, 2017

26 aug 2017.

you said you just dont love me enough to take things to the next step

i guess i already knew it but chose to stay positive

 

 

July 26, 2017

This whole ldr thing – I think it has to mean something. I think it was meant to teach me over and over again, how to deal with loss. How to cope and realise that people leaving me doesnt mean that they dont love me anymore. I’m still struggling to truly process this

June 25, 2017

That time when I told him about the new job and he said thats a big score for both of us!

Today when he called back after I complained he was distracted at a party and said I found a spot and you have my full attention but I only have 30% battery. Zzzzz and lollllllll

daily >3

June 19, 2017

  1. good first day albeit info overload
  2. did not get to snack at all
  3. managed to knock off at 530
  4. managed to bump into lana otw to alter pro
  5. packing my pretty stationery to use at work

June 18, 2017

Maybe the thing is that I always feel I have to compete with something (thankfully not someone) for your attention- phone, some email, etc. Perhaps I’m just not interesting enough.