i feel so sad this morning, a perfect match for the greys in the sky today.

i can feel my heart constricting, with the ache that accompanies it.

i feel like i can burst into tears any second, even without any provocation.

i can feel all the thoughts in my head, like needles piercing through flesh.

i feel powerless, and not in control of myself anymore.

i can feel Dread creeping up silently behind me, his iron grip and bony fingers beckoning me as departure draws closer.

i feel, i can feel but i dont want to.

I find it hard to fall asleep tonight, even though I must, desperately. The dull ache in my jaw, the cramp in my thigh, the hunger I cannot satiate because my delicate system threatens to reject everything. The endless thoughts. The mammoth list to be done. The excruciating negotiations fighting for what you deserve. Tiredness that seeps in insidiously. The day that has begun even before the night is through.

I woke this morning not having my right arm. It’d been left without circulation for god knows how long and I had to use my left hand to move it. Felt just like a piece of meat. I imagine that’s what itd be like in paralysis.

If only, If only, one could paralyse your heart too. If only, there was a way to stop your limbic system from feeling. Then yesterday would have been alot less painful.

Whether you have a choice or not, a team member who doesn’t contribute just means extra work. But one who pushes work, bullies and threatens, in the capacity of a leader, and ultimately causing the team their opportunity in presenting.. not forgetting lying, cheating..  what a huge emotional burden.

but what hurt the most.. was the action of a friend i used to respect. not once, but twice. it is difficult, yet especially crystal clear when the issue boils down to a difference in principles and morals.

absolutely painful.

happy december.

011111

today deserves an entry, after the long hiatus, simply because it feels like the dawn of a new age, for some reason, and because i like the dramatic ring to it.

today also marks the first yr anniv of me putting on braces, and the first time my car got towed away, in wheelock of all places.

november always feels like a breath of fresh air to me, like a month of opportunities, happy days, and new beginnings. nothing quite beats a bout of adventure to kickstart all this isnt it?

=0)

I hopped on a cab this morning and to my utter horror there was a wriggly worm at the driver’s side, precariously hanging by some invisible thread, swinging a lil too carelessly towards my side for comfort. I squirmed abit, fidgeted and decided to take its pic. But it disappeared! It was climbing! I watched as it inched its way up to the cab’s roof. Then I imagined myself in its shoes and decided it would do very well in the realm of worms. PSC potential? But then I started to worry. At the rate its moving its gonna reach MY side very soon. Eeps.

While they still cling to the vine

Today I thought I’d blog abt happier stuff
Like..
My impromptu fish aglio
Dinner binge with cat
Buying a nice orange pen
Blogshop purchases that passed the test
Him starting planning for our tpe trip, and some of the confirmations settled
Finished a ton of readings
Finally fit the claypot W got for my tank
Shrimpys looking healthy, one is carrying several eggs
I get to sleep at midnight fit once

May all the yays in our lives pave the way outta the nays.

Blogging for the first time ever on the galaxy while waiting for my goodnights. Not as easy as it’s supposed to be!

i wanna be a rebellious teen too, and screw every single thing on the to-do list now.

i wanna be irresponsible, and not bother about anything.

i wanna be childish, so that i’ll get my way all the time.

i wanna be rude, and not care about anyone’s feelings.

can you even begin to understand?

i seriously hate weekends.

 

i could whine all day.

its close to midnight, i’m still in sch, on empty stomach, overworked mucosal glands, bleary eyes.

is it so difficult to expect commitment and responsibility? is it so hard to adopt the right attitude?

yes its difficult to have such expectations. yes its hard for everyone to have the same attitude, the one to learn. yes its inevitable everyone has their own agenda. yes its unavoidable people disappoint.

no its not ok to waste everyone’s time. no its not ok to not contribute. no its unacceptable to be childish at such a critical stage.

no i do not like babysitting. so pls pls grow up.